A conversation with the co-author of Why Won’t You Sleep?! on what parents of “livewires” really need to hear.
For the parents and caregivers of what researcher and sleep coach Macall Gordon calls “livewires”—deeply alert, intense, perceptive kids who seem to treat rest like it’s a war to be won—the usual sleep advice often just doesn’t apply. And layered on top of the physical and mental exhaustion is a quiet insinuation: if a child isn’t sleeping, maybe the grown-ups are doing something wrong.
Co-written by Gordon and her longtime mentor and collaborator, gentle sleep coach Kim West, MSW, Why Won’t You Sleep?! doesn’t offer a miracle fix. It provides parents with the language and tools to understand their kids (and themselves) with a little more clarity, a little more gentleness—and, ideally, a little more sleep. In a culture that still tends to conflate good parenting with martyrdom, this book offers permission to do it differently.
We sat down with Gordon, who has spent more than two decades in the trenches of sleep science, to talk about the outsized impact of temperament on sleep, the validity of seeking support, and the radical idea that being profoundly tired doesn’t have to be your forever state. Here’s what we learned.
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What motivated you to co-write this book with Kim West?
This book is the culmination of 20-plus years of sleep training research, as well as raising two livewires of my own. I trained with Kim to become a Gentle Sleep Coach in 2016 and saw that this gradual, supportive approach really did work for children where other methods had failed.
I also realized that no one was writing for these parents. The majority of the advice on sleep barely mentions temperament and the methods are really written for more easy going children. Parents of livewires need more information that’s specific to their unique situation.
Why is understanding a child’s temperament so important for successful sleep? How does temperament influence sleep challenges and solutions?
This is a big question. Temperament is everything with sleep. If you have a livewire, your child has some powerful abilities: passion, perceptiveness, sensitivity, engagement. But livewires also ask more of their parents. When it comes to sleep, understanding a child’s underlying temperament—both strengths and challenges—can help you at least feel confident that the trouble with sleep isn’t because you are doing it wrong; it’s because they are a livewire.
This book is everything I think parents of livewires need to hear: You are not the only one with a child like this. You have not goofed up at parenting. Kim’s gradual approach to sleep came out of her resistance to crying-it-out as the only choice for working on sleep, and her testing the approach on her own livewire.
Here are five temperament traits that affect both sleep and efforts to improve it:
Intensity
For livewires, everything is bigger. If they’re happy, they’re really happy. Once they get upset, watch out. Some parents of livewires may not have ever attempted sleep training because they know the blowback that will result.
Reactivity
Livewires react strongly and they react fast. This is another reason why typical approaches to sleep training where parents delay their response don’t work for livewires the same way. Once they are fully upset, their level of intensity exceeds what they’re able to manage on their own.
Sensory Sensitive
Sensory sensitivity is perhaps the biggest contributor to difficulties with sleep. Any little thing keeps them awake—creaky floors, closing doors, breathing. These are the babies that need to be endlessly bounced or nursed.
Persistent
“Easy going” and “flexible” are not words used to describe livewires. Livewires know what they want, and they are willing to outlast you to get it. This is an amazing trait for an adolescent or adult to have, but in children, it can be exhausting.
Engaged/Alert
Livewires crave input and interaction. They want to be in the world. For them, sleep is a waste of time. “Sleepy signals” are a sign of weakness. Getting them to power down and be ready for sleep can be a project.
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How can gentle sleep coaching provide an effective alternative to traditional sleep training methods? Does attachment theory play a role in your approach?
I don’t believe that, in general, sleep training can fully derail attachment. However, a more gradual approach is consistent with the idea of parental presence keeping stress levels manageable and within a tolerable range. No one is staying in a hysterical, dysregulated state.
Current sleep training advice tends to say, “any amount of crying at any age is fine” and that’s just not at all the case. We don’t know that. We don’t know what the effect of a lot of crying for certain babies at certain ages in certain contexts is. More intense, sensitive babies are more vulnerable to disruptions. Unfortunately, sleep training research has never taken temperament into account, so we really don’t know what the effect of temperament is on those outcomes.
Why should parents or caregivers avoid simply suffering through sleep struggles, and instead seek support?
There are parents who, I think, hope that sleep struggles will just blow over. Or, that if they keep following their child’s cues, their child will develop the ability to sleep as they grow. This was me, decades ago. I can tell you that children might outgrow needing your help to sleep, but not in a timeline that you will be okay with. It could be years of cosleeping, feeding to sleep, lying with them, getting up with them, etc.
Back then, there were lots of days when I was not a great mom to be around. I was so impossibly tired. (Burnout among parents or caregivers of intense children can look like harsher parenting, emotional distancing, feeling like you’re parenting on “auto-pilot” (i.e., doing the bare minimum), high degree of self-criticism or guilt about parenting.)
When you’re that exhausted, you aren’t thinking clearly and it’s even more difficult to make needed changes. So, parents should ask themselves a few questions: 1) Is my baby old enough (over six months at least); 2) Am I okay with how things are now? Is it sustainable?
There is no timeline for working on sleep. The notion that it’s “harder” if you wait is made up. It’s okay to wait. It’s also okay to ask your baby to learn something new so that you can also be present and mentally clear during the waking hours.
Why can it be particularly difficult for parents of more intense children to hold boundaries around sleep?
Parents of livewires are already so tired, and then when they put up such a big fight and hold out so intensely, parents really just wear out. I honestly can’t blame them. After the millionth meltdown of the day, you just can’t handle another one at bedtime, so of course you say yes to a video, yes to lying down with them, etc.
Parents of these kiddos can also get into a hopeless state, where they worry that nothing will ever work, or they really doubt themselves and their abilities. So, when something looks like it’s not working, they abandon it and try something else, then something else. This is not a matter of permissiveness or disorganization. These parents are navigating a child with a very big spirit and personality, and that can take a toll.
Many parents of livewires just feel “along for the ride.” I recently talked to a mom who had read the book, and she said her main takeaway was renewed confidence that it was possible to make changes with their child. When parents move the needle on sleep, it gives them a dose of agency and capability that they really need.
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